THE WIFE HUB
Sara Siniecka
It was sweat, and the stench of heavy rain I smelt first. And in all honesty, I was everything but surprised at that. After all, it was the rainy season and I came to the Philippines fully aware. Actually, having been there three years prior, I had a decent idea of what the country looks like, how people act, and how the language sounds.
But it was the shock that I experienced right after landing, that spiked an uneasy feeling in my chest. Those two weeks will not be completely uneventful, will they?
This trip was supposed to act as a quick therapy session, a shield from the reality of tests and assessments. I didn’t feel the need to write about anything, but I kept my eyes wide open just in case there was something worth writing about.
There always is.
***
Sometime in the late XIX century, the term Mail-Order Bride became used more often than not. It meant exactly what it sounds like: a woman ordered by a rather wealthy man to tie the knot at the altar. Girls had dolls, men had brides, and it seemed relatively normal. The world looked different then, it was guided by the hierarchy formed over the centuries.
Great Empires like the United States of America were the Gods, and third word countries were mere beings, puppets guided by the giants. At least according to white people’s narrative.
Mail-Order brides, therefore, became a popular alternative for ‘organic’ marriage. It seems like a win-win situation, the man got himself a quiet wife that would do whatever he asked her for, and the woman could escape the horrid reality of poverty, sickness, and misery in the third-world countries.
Milleniums went by, and the topic seemed to quiet down. It was not presumed ‘right’ to buy a person anymore, and so people stopped talking about it. But everyone knows that sweeping problems under the rug will not get rid of them, if anything, it will make them worse.
According to Google trends, in the XXI century, the term Mail-Order Bride is still being googled, mostly by the citizens of the USA, Canada, and Australia.
***
We exited the plane sluggishly. The Mactan-Cebu airport was bigger than I remembered, and definitely emptier. It was presumably a slow day there — if those ever exist for airports’ staff.
I was trying to stay awake while we were standing in a queue for passport control. It was then when I noticed an older man holding the hand of a young Filipino woman. He was talking on the phone, American accent clearly showing, about wedding plans. At first, I assumed that they were just acquaintances, but when he chatted with a guard about the lady being his wife, a red light bulb started to glimmer in my mind. For starters, I am in no place to judge someone else’s relationship choices, especially since age gaps and cross-race couples are widely accepted, and there is nothing wrong with them, technically speaking.
But then I started noticing more of them, hour after hour, day by day, and then I knew that it was something to write about.
***
Utang Na Loob can be translated as “The debt of gratitude”. It is the guiding principle for Filipinos in marriage, according to doctor Annalisa Enrile of Mariposa Center of Change1. Those three words lay at the fundamentals of the complicated issue of cross-border marriages, or the Mail-Order Brides phenomenon.
The Philippines are known for their low divorce rate, therefore many people around the world assume that Filipinos are outstandingly loving. What is often overlooked is the fact that divorce is generally prohibited in the country, and only those whose spouse is psychologically incompetent to be in a relationship can separate2.
However, as difficult as this law is, it is often used as a number one advantage of Filipino women. Some people are bold enough to interpret the no-fault marriage as a factor that influences Filipinas’ mindsets about relationships in general. “They are very loving and committed due to the no divorce rule” is one of the comments found on Reddit about the women from the Philippines.
There is absolutely nothing wrong about wanting a loyal and emotionally committed partner, however, it was not exactly the love the netizens from Reddit were looking for,more so the sense of stability, that whatever they do, they will still have someone to come back home to. While researching materials, I stumbled upon an online discussion, in which an American man from Florida asked if dating a Filipina is a good idea, and if someone could provide the advantages of this relationship.
And the list looked a lot like the description of Mail-Order Brides of the XIX century.
So I searched the internet for any more information.
***
We were hungry and, quite frankly, extremely tired. After a short discussion the group decided on sushi. We didn’t exactly think of the trip to the restaurant though, as just minutes after exiting the resort the problem of transportation emerged. We were planning on catching a free tuk-tuk (tricycle), however those were nowhere to be found.
Then, suddenly, two yellowish lights glimmered in the distance. A bus! Our group started waving like crazy, we wanted to eat badly but walking 7 kilometers seemed like too much. The clacking bus pulled off and the (kind of) automatic door opened to show the interior in all its glory.
It was cramped.
The bus was different from what I was used to. There was no free space, no handles or supporting poles. No safety lights or sound signaling. Just… two men dressed in uniforms of sorts, a 30-centimeters-wide corridor, and two dozen seats, all occupied. Soon after the vehicle moved again, half of the group was fighting for their lives. It seemed as if there were no speed limits on the streets, or at least as if they did not apply to our bus. The automatic door was not closed properly and the air was hot. I thought I’d faint.
Then there was an unclear scream. One of the men standing next to the door had his eyes trained on the piece of paper, yet his mouth was wide open saying the same phrase over and over again. The bus stopped and a few people exited.
So that was their system? There were no fixed stops, you just say where you want to get off and they will drive you there. The price for the ticket was a mere 15 pesos per head, pretty cheap for personalized service.
Soon after, we got off. Everything was chaotic, to say the least. A few people managed to trip over the uneven ground, me being one of them. The restaurant we wanted to visit was on the opposite side of the road. It looked like nothing special: a big, rusty gate, green fence, and a half-detached sign with the name of the eatery.
We came in and the first thing we saw was a group consisting of two white men and two Filipino women. They seemed to be chattering in English mixed with German. Our group said a quick ‘hello’ and sat at the biggest table available.
I am not even sure if I was surprised to find out that the restaurant was owned by an American and his Filipino wife.
***
The Philippines is a poor country, yet it is a popular destination for tourists all around the world because of the beautiful views, beaches, and food. At least this is the general opinion.
But when you dive deep into the internet forums and sketchy websites, the reality starts looking different. It is said that the Philippines is the most popular destination for the commercial sex trade3. Being easily accessible and relatively cheap, many tourists come to the country with one goal. Most of the time, when one has just a few dollars to spare, the taxi driver will provide information on the closest brothels, or other ‘hot spots’.
Surprisingly, it is not uncommon for families in the Philippines to be selling their children to human traffickers and mafia in order to gain money to support themselves. It is a game of survival and sacrifices have to be made – at least that is the popular narration of the communities from extremely poor islands and provinces such as Daram4.
As popular as sex work is, there exists another alarming issue, which seems to be under the disguise of love – online dating, or in other words, modern Mail-Order Brides.
There are countless websites that advertise themselves as online dating services, or ‘perfect matchmakers’. However, when you click on the description of the sites, most of them have Mail-Order Brides underlined or written in bold.
They are simple to use, all one has to do is enter his details into the questionnaire and search for his perfect bride. From the women’s side, it is also easy. They choose a picture of themselves, write down the characteristics of their dream husband and they are all set5.
At this point, nothing seems all that suspicious. It sounds like a regular online dating scheme, maybe omitting the obvious fact that those are in fact sites to order a wife. Yet, the most alarming part is what happens after the bride is ‘delivered’.
Cross-border marriages are the subjects to internal conflicts and domestic violence, which become evident when the issue of Mail-Order bride support group was established in Canada6. This is when the real problem of this type of relationship reaches the daylight. Domestic violence, psychological abuse, conflict of interests.
And this is also when Utang Na Loob becomes a useful device to the abusers.
***
We ordered a few sushi sets, some miso soup, and drinks, as per the owner’s recommendation. Soon after, a noncommittal conversation began. Or, was it a one-way tête-à-tête? The guy started explaining his whole life story to us, a group of strangers. And it was strange, strange enough for me to want to ask him more about himself.
He smiled a lot exposing his half-broken incisor. His tanned hands gestured a lot while he was talking about his adult life in Kansas, and his eyes twitched once in a while, jumping from one face to another. He was committed to explaining everything to us. From how he loved fishing as a boy, to his boring job in accounting, to the first, second, and third marriage, to his seven kids. His white hair was damp from the moist air, and the sweat droplets rolled down his forehead. He seemed not to notice while explaining how he fell in love with making sushi while attending a cooking course a dozen years ago. Just then, he raised the sleeve of his one-size-too-small red shirt, to wipe the sweat off.
“And that’s how I met Candice. Right now she’s probably much better than me at making sushi,” He laughed, his red cheeks puffing slightly.
Candice.
She was the woman that ran off to the kitchen once she saw us coming in. She seemed young, younger than the owner. I wanted to ask more about their relationship, but I thought it might be too private. Fortunately, one of the already tipsy group members beat me to it.
“How long have you guys been married?”
“Oh, we have been with each other for quite some time. Twelve years, was it? I proposed just a few months ago though.” Why? Were you both not ready? Or is it something else? I asked myself, side-eyeing the woman. Her lips formed a tight line, hands rubbing her dress. She seemed uncomfortable with her partner talking so much about himself and her, possibly. “She should be glad she met someone like me though! Her ex was a total prick. Right, babe?” He laughed again, muttering something about ‘nasty Brits’.
“Yes, he was no good.” The woman looked at the ground, forcing a smile.
And there it was, domestic violence.
***
The Philippines faces many issues. From environmental damage, to poverty, to human trafficking. It is not surprising that so many women are trying to escape this scary reality, but it seems that they are harming themselves even more.
Some people are obnoxious enough to be describing their relationships with Filipinas on different online websites. Gary Wigles, age 67, was proud to be using his wife for his own entertainment. His wife is 25. He also admits to cheating on his wife with nurses saying that he’s happy because a new hotel just opened near the hospital.
‘Fearless Frank From Florida’ was ecstatic to announce that he is using Filipino nurses because “most American women are overweight, and from my observations most Filipinas are perfect or slightly underweight”.
After many conversations I had with American men, Filipino women, and the research I did, it turns out that love per se is just a bonus to this type of relationship. The reality is much darker, with money, sex, and comfort playing the main role. Turns out that Mail-Order Brides are the ‘subcontractors’ to many American men who want to start a business in the Philippines, as purchasing the land there can be done only by the citizen. Obviously, physical and somewhat psychological comfort is also a huge factor that keeps Mail-Order Bride initiative going. The women are most of the time aware of what they are agreeing to, but the vision of having a source of finance and a place to stay is comforting enough for them to commit. Even if it means that they will suffer.
In recent years, the government of the Philippines took serious measures to stop the Mail-Order Brides phenomenon, as well as other means of humans trafficking by making it illegal to “match Filipino women to foreign nationals for marriage for the purpose of exploiting Filipino women to engage in forced labor, slavery, sexual exploitation or debt bondage” or to “offer or contract marriage for the purpose of offering prostitution, pornography and sexual exploitation”7.
But when money is at stake, people in desperate need will do whatever it takes. And when there is a place in the world where men can find beautiful quiet wives, it might forever be known as the wife hub.
For now, it’s the Philippines, the country of captivating views and the bitter reality.
