When you lose a person that was very close to your heart, you feel pain and emptiness afterwards. But, what if you were empty before. Drained emotionally to the roots. You have lived under stress for years and years, which have blended creating a suffocating, endless loop. The line of reality has slowly entwined with imagination without you noticing. You want to be able to finally feel a positive emotion or any emotion at all, other than pressure. You got no help from others as your past hurts you deeply and makes you feel lost in a strange world that we all live in. You sometimes don’t know the answer to the big question: “How have I ended up like this?”. There are days that a question like that pops up in your head whispering that something is wrong. But you don’t know what exactly, so you end up pushing it away. Sleepless nights and hearing strange voices that give you chills. Luckily, there is always a light that comes shining in the darkest of times. Even if others find it not true, as long as you believe in that light that warms your heart up, you simply forget about the reality and mean remarks that others make. The light might not be true in other people’s eyes but what only matters is that you see it. You see a friend that has always been there for you. Your only friend and your only light that always comes back to you no matter what. It is an imaginary friend, of whose unreal existence you might not even be aware of. What counts is that the friend cares for you like no one ever has.
That was the reality of thirty-year-old Josephine Jones, who had cut people out of her life as fear and trust issues would kick in every time she needed to have some kind of relationship built with strangers. Sometimes she thought about them as enemies. For that reason, it was so hard for her to find a good job without having to interact with anyone. She finally decided to work in a little coffee shop and to her surprise she was doing very well. The café wasn’t a popular place to go, so it wasn’t usually crowded. Joe established a routine since the day she got the job. She would wake up in her tiny apartment, get ready for work and on entering the cafe she would force herself to put some kind of happy emotion on her face. It was never a real looking emotion but she was trying her best.
The day she met Sarah was passing by smoothly. There was just an old lady drinking her usual coffee while typing on a computer, so Joe could just space out for a while till her shift was over. It was December and everything outside the window was covered by snow. Beautiful snowflakes were falling down from the sky when Joe went out to have a cigarette that always helped her calm the nerves. It was a bad habit of hers. She was addicted to nicotine. The only thing she had ever loved was the burning feeling of a deadly stick damaging her lungs. The dizziness she felt afterwards was somehow soothing.
It was later in the evening when Joe was rushing to her flat after a long day of work. The snow made weird sounds each time her big boots stomped on the ground. Melancholic songs were pouring into her ears. She was so focused on the music that she didn’t see a little girl walking quickly in her direction. Joe simply bumped into her without even realising the fact. The girl, as light as a feather, fell over. She tried to rise to her feet but failed falling down again on the sidewalk. What woke Josephine up was the screeching coming from below. The little doll-like person looked so fragile on the snow-covered sidewalk with her long silver hair blending with snow. Then the ice-like eyes turned to her, changing into flames. They made Josephine mesmerized.
‘Is it her?’ Joe was taken aback feeling small, cold hands battering her on the legs. The kid was murmuring some random curse words feeling colder with every second. Joe was in general a very quiet woman, usually it was just loud in her head, so the sudden outburst of the stranger was odd to her. She just couldn’t believe her eyes. She felt like drowning in the oncoming thought: ‘Has her friend materialised? It suddenly occurred to Joe that all that she had ever wanted was real company and conversations with her imaginary friend.
While being deep in her thoughts Joe didn’t realise how close they were. She couldn’t help clenching the girl’s pale hand. It was an impulse that caused her to want more. Her hands were shaking but this time not because of her smoking habits. The girl’s gaze was burning holes in Joe’s bony hand.
Remembering her past she found herself drawn to the young person. Her thoughts looped, not letting her concentrate. Now her eyes were focused on the material of the girl’s dress which was too thin for the snowy weather. Josephine was touch starved. She longed to feel. She touched the hem of the dress. The material was so soft and somehow familiar. Joe knew that the connection she felt deep inside was because of her past. The past that was hidden somewhere in her head and heart creating a heart-breaking history, which had long been forgotten and stuffed with unshed tears that held grief.
Parents usually tell their kids to always watch out for strangers and never trust them. Josephine hadn’t had a proper upbringing. She instantly agreed to the girl’s question that was more like a request to be taken to Joe’s flat to warm up. Now she's walking hand in hand with her friend Sarah, whose touch, as it dawns on Joe, feels unreal. Just a few minutes before she was questioning herself whether her friend had materialised and now she knows that it has to be true because she can feel the girl's porcelain skin on her rough fingers. They are going to her flat late in the evening. There is no one but them on the snow covered street, not even a shadow. The couple is somehow distant from one another.
Before Joe knows it they are standing in front of her bedsit. What makes Joe feel a little uneasy is the fuzzy feeling in her stomach that no longer feels butterflies. Without a second thought she opens the door and quickly shuts it to prevent cold air from coming in.
Josephine’s flat is filled with memories that she would love to forget as they often trigger something in her head. Sometimes she will stay longer in the cafe just because she doesn't want to come to the place that makes her even more miserable. She had to call the place her home even though it doesn’t feel like it at all. However, there is one corner, full of art tools, that she adores because of the painting hung up high above the mirror. She isn’t an artist but when intense emotions build up inside of her she often relieves them by painting. Usually, she paints abstract things using bright colours that contrast with the dark walls of the art corner. The only painting that is realistic is the one above the mirror. It's the only one that is framed. The portrait shows Josephine’s friend with delicate features. The friend that used to float around her apartment like an angel. Joe captured that moment from years back and painted it. The painting emphasizes the girl’s youthful smile. A row of white teeth with the front tooth slightly crooked only adds to her charm. Sarah hasn't smiled at her even once since Joe bumped into her and long ago she used to prettily grin at her whenever they met.
Sarah seems to be unfamiliar with Joe’s place which makes Josephine wonder because in Joe’s understanding her friend used to be here with her at certain moments. The only thing new is the painting of the girl and an old mirror placed beside it. Sarah seems intrigued, staring at the image of herself while babbling strange remarks. Joe looks in the mirror and at the painting. The girl in the mirror and the one on the canvas are almost identical yet the difference is visible. Her friend’s round cheeks once dusted with blush are now dull and lifeless and so is her gaze. They do look alike but still there are those significant details that aren’t the same. Joe feels a variety of emotions flutter through her chest. New questions and speculations appear leaving Joe trapped in her head. Everything leads to one unavoidable question: ‘Who is her real friend?’
Josephine acts with swiftness. She grabs the painting and hits Sarah with the heavy wooden frame. The person in the painting is her friend and the person she invited home is an intruder. The deeply adored painting is now slightly smeared with fresh blood. Sarah’s eyes are open but she’s not blinking anymore. She’s dead with her eyes wide open and pale skin covered with droplets of sweat and blood.
That’s how Joe said goodbye to her past.